Anyway, we have a ton of russet potatoes. We almost never buy them, but a few weeks back I bought a 5 lb bag and we made one batch of mashed potatoes (we maybe used 1-1.5 lbs worth). A couple days later I bought another 5 lb bag to give away, but ended up having to keep it. James and I recently started a diet together. The only thing we ever make with russets is mashed potatoes, which are strictly off-limits for the time being.

I knew the potatoes would go bad unless I found a way to freeze them. At some point we will want mashed potatoes, of course, so I know we’ll use them eventually. I did a little poking around on the internet and came up with a nice method.

1. Peel the potatoes and cut them into 1-2 inch pieces.

2. Blanch the potatoes. Bring a large pot of water to a boil, add salt. It’s important to have a high water to potato ratio, because you want it to return to a boil within a minute of putting the potatoes in (you might have to do the potatoes in batches if you have a lot). Drop the potatoes in. Cook for 3-5 minutes, until the potatoes are semi tender (no more than a total of 6 minutes from the time you drop them in).

3. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the potatoes to a large bowl of ice water. Let them sit for about 3 minutes to cool down and stop the cooking. Drain them in a colander, and let them drain for another few minutes to get as much water off as possible.

4. Spray a cookie sheet with a bit of oil or cooking spray. Spread the potatoes out on it, touching each other as little as possible. Place the cookie sheet in the freezer for an hour.

5. After an hour, you can transfer the potatoes to a freezer bag. They should keep for many months, and when you want mashed potatoes you can just take as many as you want and boil them until heated through and fully tender, then continue with the potatoes as usual.

Sorry for a post about such a banal topic, but I’m proud of myself whenever I find new ways to preserve food. It gives me quite the thrill, haha. I always think, “ha! most people would just end up throwing them away!” (Although, maybe most people are better than me and wouldn’t buy more than they’re going to eat.) Really though, when you’re cooking for only one or two people, I think it’s even harder because there are always leftovers. Now I just need a bigger freezer…

I decided last week to try my hand at making an angel food cake. I have never made one before; in fact, I’ve never even witnessed one being made before, but I enjoy eating them and James’s mom gave us a tube pan for Christmas. I used Alton Brown’s recipe, and it came out beautifully. If anyone else plans to make an angel food cake for the first time, I would definitely recommend watching the Good Eats Angel Food episode on Youtube (I think it’s split into two videos), because Alton, as usual, imparts some great info regarding background and technique.

On Thursday afternoon, before I made the cake, I went to the grocery store with a pretty long list. In the parking lot on my way in, a woman approached me. She was probably in her 30s and conservatively dressed in a long grey skirt and a black sweater. She said, “excuse me,” and held out an index card. I glanced quickly at the card, which looked to be written pretty poorly, and saw the words “children” and “money.” Assuming she was fund raising for some kind of nonprofit, I smiled and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t have any cash on me” (I really didn’t). I was already a few steps past her when she said softly, with an accent, “please, I don’t need money, just some food for my children.”

My heart sank. I hadn’t realized she was actually requesting assistance for herself. Here in Fairfax (literally the wealthiest county in America), I’ve been so removed from poverty that it didn’t even occur to me that a hungry person might be found “begging” for food outside of my neighborhood grocery store.

How can you turn down a hungry person asking for food? Money is one thing, but food? You just can’t.

I asked her what kind of food would be good for her children. She replied so quietly I could barely hear her, “maybe some potatoes, or some chicken.”

I told her that I would see what I could do, and would be about a half hour. She said that she would wait for me.

In the store, I picked up a bag of potatoes for her. It was about $2.50 for 5 pounds. It struck me that anyone who has to approach a stranger and ask for potatoes must be in a very bad state. Grapes were on sale for an amazing $0.99/lb, so I got two bags–one for myself, and one for her. Apples were on sale too, again, too good to pass up. Fruit is normally so expensive, and I figured it had probably been a long time since her children had eaten any. I picked up some chicken as well, which was also priced well.

All told, I had maybe $10 worth of items in my cart for her–not much at all. As I walked through the store, checking items off my list, it struck me how blessed I am. I was planning to use an entire dozen egg whites to make one cake, and buying strawberries and heavy cream to top it with. Meanwhile, I had a neighbor who couldn’t afford to buy potatoes. I hadn’t thought of how the ability to even make a dessert was a luxury. I wondered if this woman scrimped and saved for her children’s birthday cakes.

I try to be a frugal shopper. With me looking for work right now, we’re on a pretty tight budget. But we do buy relatively high quality food because we both believe that it’s worth investing a bit more in what we put into our bodies (quality over quantity). And it’s not unusual for us to splurge by picking up an inexpensive bottle of wine, or a nice piece of brie. Walking through that store and realizing how blessed I am, I felt awful. Part of me wanted to pick up two of everything and give half of it to that woman; another part of me knew that wouldn’t be rational. Part of me wanted to toss all the “luxury” items out of my cart and use the difference to buy more essentials for her family; but a bigger part of me wanted to keep my luxuries.

In the end, I stuck with the $10 worth of stuff for her. When I got outside, she was gone. I waited around and looked for her for about 10 minutes, but she didn’t appear. I asked a woman who had been standing outside talking on her phone if she had seen her, but she hadn’t. When I told her the story, she guessed that security had probably made her leave. I have a feeling that’s what happened. This shopping center is very well kept and has a lot of security guards around. Like I said earlier, I don’t think someone asks a stranger for potatoes unless she really needs them, and she said she would wait for me, so I doubt that she would have left voluntarily.

The whole experience was a sad reminder that even in such a wealthy area, there are hungry people. I’ve had plenty of financial strain in my life with student loans and unemployment, but I have never once been even remotely close to the possibility of not being able to buy food. I can’t even imagine what that experience would really be like. I was so sad not to be able to give the food to her.

We’re already almost done with the second bag of grapes, although I don’t know how we’ll ever get through so many potatoes before they go bad (we already had a big bag at home). The chicken is in the freezer, and I’m sure we’ll use it eventually.

Also, in case you’re wondering, I did manage to save and find ways to use all of the dozen yolks left over from the angel food cake. I made lemon curd, zabaglione, and creme brulee–all firsts. Through it all I’ve been more mindful than usual of how lucky I am to be able to experiment with cooking new things just for fun.

Cornell has long been misrepresented as a “suicide school”–primarily, it seems, due to the prominence of the university’s gorges and the sensational image of students leaping to their deaths. I would like to repeat, again, that the university’s suicide rate falls right in the middle of the national average. On top of that, average suicide rates for age 18-24 college students are far lower than comparable averages for non-students in the same age group. While I was at Cornell, there was about one student suicide per year, and I remember a couple of other instances in which bodies of people unaffiliated with Cornell were retrieved from area gorges. Unfortunately, this article does rely heavily on sensational imagery and while it acknowledges the statistics, devotes far more effort to dramatizing the nature of suicide at Cornell. It does, however, provide an interesting historical context for the recent occurrences and is worth a read.

Fishman poses a rather bizarre question of whether the gorges actually cause people (who otherwise would not) to commit suicide. At first that sounds crazy, but the more I think about it the more I think it’s worth considering. I’ve always assumed that if someone is at the point of taking his or her own life, the gorges merely provide a means of doing so–and if the gorges weren’t there, that person would find another method. But the article makes some interesting points about how, for some people, staring down into a gorge elicits an irrational longing to jump. There’s something undeniably charismatic in the raw power of nature and the romanticized beauty of such a dramatic leap. Mix that with a particularly rough semester and a night of heavy drinking and I suppose there is the possibility that someone who has not previously been suicidal (and might not be in an hour’s time) could have a moment of impulse that drives him or her over the edge. I don’t really know the answer, but it’s worth thinking about.

I’m deeply saddened by the recent spate of suicides, and by the thought that the gorges could drive people to such an act. In my time at Cornell I found the gorges, and all of the beautiful natural surroundings, to be such a source of joy and inspiration. I have so many memories of standing on the bridges, gazing down on the rushing water–almost every time I crossed one I took a couple of moments to do that. When it wasn’t snowy, I frequently spent whole afternoons wandering along the trail down at the bottom of Cascadilla, and occasionally Fall Creek. I remember walking back from class, exhausted and overwhelmed and maybe sad about some personal issue, and experiencing such a sense of renewal as I looked out over the slope, the sun reflecting off the snow all the way down to Cayuga. I so clearly remember one particular moment like that, thinking, “how bad can my problems really be with all this beauty around me?” I practically ran all the way down the slope and the frozen wind was so exhilarating.

It’s just so sad to me to think that some people are so deep in their depression and so unreachable that Cornell’s gorgeous surroundings would actually have the opposite effect on them. The whole Cornell community is in my thoughts and prayers.

A cross in the Fall Creek gorge. Taken with my cell phone in 2005.

A couple of years ago I became aware of health concerns in cosmetics and personal care products, primarily through the Environmental Working Group’s Cosmetics Database. If you aren’t aware of this, you should definitely take a look. The Environmental Working Group (EWG) is a non-profit advocacy organization with a public health/environmental exposures focus. Most people aren’t aware that in the U.S. and most other countries, cosmetics and personal care products are not very strictly regulated and safety testing is not required. Many of these products contain chemicals that most of us would probably not choose to slather on our skin if we were aware of them (think lead, mercury, formaldehyde, and placental extracts, not to mention hundreds of lesser-known contaminants). In the cosmetics database, EWG breaks down the ingredient lists for tens of thousands of products and ranks them on a safety scale. Each ingredient is assigned a “hazard rating” of 0-10, with explanations of known hazards associated with that ingredient. Based on the ingredients, the product is then assigned an overall hazard rating.

Now, sometimes you can take the overall “hazard rating” with a grain of salt. The premise of this organization inherently makes it lean a bit to the side of paranoid, I think. For example, the ingredient “fragrance,” which appears in practically everything, is assigned a hazard rating of 8, due to the fact that the ingredients which make up this “fragrance” are not disclosed. In reality, the exact contents of “fragrance” differ from one product to another and probably run the gamut from totally safe to really horrible. So I’m not recommending that people take everything listed in this database as gospel truth. I usually only get concerned about a product if its rating is higher than a 5 or 6. But nonetheless, I think it is crucial for consumers to become better informed about the products they are using on their bodies, especially considering the lack of regulation in the industry–and this is a good tool for that.

Now, back to my toenails. In spite of my heightened awareness, what is the one thing I never thought to look up? You guessed it–nail polish! But recently I came across an article somewhere else (I can’t find it now) about the hazards of nail polish. This article compared the polish to paint, and remover to paint thinner, and stated that it contains many unhealthy chemicals. It got me thinking… nail polish (and remover) really does have a noxious odor. And it actually bonds itself to your nails, requiring application of a specific solvent for removal. Hmm… that really doesn’t seem too healthy. I don’t know why I never thought of it before.

So I did some research and was pretty horrified at what I found. Most nail polishes contain at least two very toxic chemicals–toluene and dibutyl phthalate. I found out that toluene is actually used in paint thinner and has been linked extensively to human developmental toxicity, as well as reproductive and neurotoxicity. Not surprisingly, it is also an eye and lung irritant and is listed as a possible carcinogen. The International Fragrance Association Codes & Standards has listed this product as unsafe for use in cosmetics. Dibutyl phthalate is just as bad. It has been placed on the banned/restricted list for use in cosmetics by the European Union. It’s an endocrine disruptor. Long term exposure can lead to fertility issues, as well as liver and kidney damage. It is also linked to cancer and fetal harm. Many nail polishes also contain formaldehyde, as well as other unhealthy ingredients like ethyl acetate. I won’t go into nail polish remover, but it contains similarly unpleasant ingredients.

Keep in mind that not only do these ingredients pose a potential risk to human health, but they also ultimately end up back in the environment. Dibutyl phthalate in particular is known to be extremely deadly to aqueous life.

Realizing how bad this stuff is made me feel pretty angry. I can’t believe I have been coating my nails with these horrible ingredients for so long, without knowing it. All this time, I have been paying money for the privilege of letting these chemicals leach into my system. In retrospect, it does seem like I should have intuited that nail polish couldn’t be healthy. But I think when you’re around something from a young age and you see it accepted as normal, you’re not so likely to question it. Nail salons smell horrible, but that’s just normal until you stop and think about what the long-term effects might be on people who spend decades working on nails day in and day out, inhaling and touching these products constantly.

I think that if more people were aware of these concerns they would be equally disturbed. As it is, it doesn’t seem like there is much public awareness about it at all. This is serious! There should be a public outcry. So many people use nail polish on a daily basis, including pregnant women. Some of my earliest fun memories with my mom were of her painting my nails as special bonding time so that I could feel like a “big girl.” It makes me sick to think that so many are needlessly exposing themselves to such harmful chemicals, and for such a frivolous reason. It reminds me of ancient people inadvertently poisoning themselves through constant exposure to lead. If people had the full story I really think things would change.

My search for non-toxic nail polish yielded only a few companies and in general it seems like they aren’t in wide circulation (due to lack of demand, I imagine). For anyone who is interested, I found a few with decent reviews: Acquarella, Safe Nail Polish, and Honeybee Gardens.

I opted for Honeybee Gardens based primarily on the price tag ($6.99 versus $18 for Acquarella and $10.95 for Safe Nail Polish). This polish is water-based and removes with rubbing alcohol. I ordered a few colors and I am excited for it to arrive so I can try it. Even if it’s not quite as good as regular polish, I plan to make do, or eventually try one of the more expensive brands. I’ll find a way to keep my toes pretty without buying traditional nail polish again. It’s just not worth it.

Since being unemployed, I have been compelled to mostly drop one of my favorite indulgences; that is, buying books. I am definitely a book-hoarder. I love buying them and the only time I ever get rid of a book is if both a) I hated it and b) it is of no literary/intellectual value whatsoever. Meaning that even if I hated a book, I will usually keep it if I feel that it somehow enhances my bookshelves. This means that in the past three years I have probably gotten rid of two books (one of which was Twilight).

I’ve missed buying books for fun, although the silver lining is that I have rediscovered the joys of the library. It’s been a long time since I was a regular library patron. Now I go to the Fairfax County Library almost once a week (and sometimes more) and request holds like there’s no tomorrow. Until recently, I had forgotten just how fundamentally cool libraries are. I mean, how amazing is it that people can go pick out essentially any book their heart desires and take it home with them for FREE? And you can even place a hold to demand access to a particular book. For free. Most have access to Interlibrary Loan, which means that if they don’t have a particular book in stock, you can place an order and have it shipped to you from some other library across the country, for your reading pleasure. For free. Libraries really are amazing. It’s enough to make me consider pursuing a higher degree in Library Science.

But anyway, one of the coolest things about the City of Fairfax Regional Library is that in the hallway next to the stairwell, there are always a few cardboard boxes full of books, labeled “Free Books.” Now, you know me. I never pass those boxes without going through every single book. Most people just glance at the ones on top and keep on moving, but not I. Abandoning all dignity, I usually end up sitting on the floor in front of these boxes as I sift through the haphazard piles. They’re typically in such a shambles that I end up removing at least half the books from each box to see what’s in the bottom. I have to say that after I’m done with them those boxes are usually in much better shape than they were before.

I think a lot of libraries give away old books periodically, but in previous experiences I’ve always found that they very rarely give away good books. The discards are usually pretty obscure and worthless. The nice thing about the books here is that I actually find good stuff very often. So far I’ve already obtained the following:
The Man in the Iron Mask – Alexandre Dumas
The Whisper of the River – Ferrol Sams
The Virgin Suicides – Jeffrey Eugenides
Drama: An Introductory Anthology – ed. Otto Reinert (contains numerous plays that I have been wanting to read)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead – Tom Stoppard
The Plague – Albert Camus
The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
Reading Lolita in Tehran – Azar Nafisi
24 Stories – Willa Cather

Plus, some awesome children’s/YA stuff (I can’t resist, especially if I loved it as a child and never had the opportunity to own it–I always coveted books as a child):
Jacob Have I Loved – Katherine Patterson
The Horse and His Boy – C.S. Lewis
Johnny Tremain – Esther Forbes
The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies – Beatrix Potter

And more! It’s so cool that I am able to get my book fix without spending money. Libraries rule!

The month has been busy. Even taking the route of an ostensibly quiet little Christmas by ourselves, James and I have been rushed with all the typical holiday buildup. In a way it’s not all that much easier when you stay home because shipping must be added to the equation, and thus shopping must be wrapped up earlier. But even that didn’t save us from the Christmas Eve rush!

It’s been a whirlwind of snowstorms, tree-searching, shopping, cooking, phone calls, wrapping, birthday, and last-minute trips to a jam-packed Wegmans (by the way, it is truly wonderful to be near a Wegmans again). It’s been nice, and although we really did miss the opportunity to see family and friends this year, I think our first real Christmas together qualifies as a success.

Otherwise, things have been good. James has been super busy at work, what with year end, short weeks and lots of people on vacation–not to mention dealing with all the fall-out from tenants related to the snow-storms–constant complaints about new leaks, icy parking lots, and the like. That’s been a little bit stressful for him, but on the flip side it was so nice to have a long weekend together over Christmas. James also has off this coming Thursday and Friday for the new year, so he’ll be able to relax a little then.

My one dark spot is this: as we approach the end of the holiday season I am starting to feel some increased apprehension about my job situation. Even though we knew the economy was in bad shape, I honestly never expected that it would take me this long. I guess I’ve always been lucky in the past in that it’s never taken me that long to find a job. I was working before summer vacation would have ended after graduation. When I was ready to leave my first job, I had secured the second within a month or two of starting to apply. I think part of it is due to the fact that I have been focusing on finding a job that’s really right for me, as opposed to just any job. Not that I’ve been that selective, I’m still applying for plenty of positions, but I have largely refrained from applying from things I know I am overqualified for and could easily get (e.g., positions that are heavy on the admin assistant, data entry, file maintenance end of things).

With my first two positions I wasn’t selective at all, and ended up very unhappy in both situations. I have learned that I do actually need to be at least somewhat intellectually challenged in my work or I’ll just be miserable. On top of that, I have been out of college for 3.5 years now. I’m worried that if I don’t move up at least one little notch in my third position it could negatively impact my long-term career. My resume will become that of someone who has dwelt on the bottom rung for a long time. Future prospective employers will wonder why I never moved beyond assistant level positions and will assume there’s a good reason.

But still… in the back of my mind, I think the farthest out I ever imagined being unemployed was through Christmas. Like, “okay, maybe there’s the possibility I won’t have a job by the holidays.” But never beyond that. So now, soon to be emerging on the other side of the new year, there’s an increased sense of failure and urgency, almost like I’m living on borrowed time. James suggested that I try to view the new year as an opportunity to start fresh, on a new page. To revamp the strategies I’m currently using, change up my daily and weekly goals and schedule a bit, etc. I like that thought and it does help a little. Plus, hopefully there’s the chance that some increased hiring will be taking place in the new year. So I’m going to try to view Monday, January 4, 2010 as my first day of job searching. It’s less painful that way.

On another note, I’ve written here in the past about my writing agonies–my desire to write something real, and crippling self-doubt that leads me into procrastination and immobility. Well, I’m not over those feelings by any means, but I have found a new inspiration that I’m hoping has the potential to lead me out. I have realized that what I really want to write right now is a young adult novel. All of a sudden, it just sort of hit me that this is what I should be writing. I was thinking back to all the great ya novels I read as a kid and how deeply they impacted me. I think there’s a really great opportunity in that venue to touch people in a way that’s much harder to do in the adult field–and, of course, to just tell a really great story. I also think there’s a great need for literary ya, with really strong writing, to help balance out the Twilights of our world.

I’m really excited about the prospect. I have some ideas I’m working to develop, but nothing yet concrete enough to start writing. I’m still trying to decide on some major key factors. I’ve also been reading a lot of YA lately to study it and just sort of get myself in the mindset. So it’s still in the embryonic stage, but I really think I will follow through this time. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this hopeful about writing something.

Oh and by the way, I just have to mention… I made out like a bandit this Christmas! Like, I seriously got some really nice stuff, maybe more than ever before. Many thanks to my dear sweet husband and loving family who bombarded me with such undeserved generosity.

Surprisingly, there is an enclave of Thai people in the Sarasota area, and thus some excellent Thai food. There were several restaurants we enjoyed, but none more than Thai Bistro, in Venice (on Venice Avenue, in fact). This place is amazing. It’s a small, family-owned restaurant. The people who run it are so friendly and James and I kind of became regulars. Thai Bistro has the BEST Pad Thai with tofu. The tofu comes in large chunks which have been perfectly deep fried so they’re crispy on the outside and melty on the inside. I’ve never seen tofu served this way in Pad Thai before, but it’s unbelievable. And of course, the flavors of the Pad Thai itself are superb.

We’ve come to use Pad Thai as a basic bar by which we can judge Thai restaurants. Unfortunately, many serve a bland, watered-down version. I think since it’s so popular, it’s tempting to water it down–maybe no one will go crazy for it, but the person who’s having Thai for the first time won’t hate it, either, and may be more likely to return.

Since moving from Florida we’ve had a couple of major disappointments. The worst was when we visited Thai Basil in Chantilly. This is the restaurant where Bobby Flay had his Pad Thai throwdown!! We had seen the episode long ago and were very excited to go there. The owner was so sweet and it was fun because the whole interior is decorated with photos from the throwdown, but the Pad Thai was pretty disappointing. We wanted to like it, but just couldn’t get beyond “it was okay.” We ordered a milder version and a hot version with different meats. The mild version was totally bland. The hot version was just as bland, just with lots of gratuitous heat added. The flavors weren’t any more complex–the only difference was unnecessary mouth-burn.

We wanted so badly to like it! And like I said, the owner was incredibly friendly. We might even give Thai Basil another shot, but we definitely will not order Pad Thai there again.

With the other mediocre experiences we’ve had, and the online searching that didn’t turn up very good reviews for any nearby restaurants, we have been in Thai hibernation for the past few months. James makes Pad Thai at home, it’s kind of his thing, and we have found some wonderful Chinese and Vietnamese restaurants to kind of take the place of Thai, but of course, it wasn’t the same. We had sort of given up on finding “our” place.

Until last night. James needed a haircut and had to schedule it for late Wednesday evening, as his person was booked for the next couple of Saturdays. The salon is about 15-20 minutes away in Burke, VA. I decided I would just go with him and we would find something to eat nearby. So yesterday I searched for restaurants near the salon and found Panisa Thai, only about a block from the salon. It doesn’t have a website but it got lots of strong reviews. I figured we could give it a try.

Oh. My. Gosh. It was soooo good. We had Pad Thai with chicken, as well as a drunken noodles dish. Both were excellent, full-flavored, authentic dishes. It ranks up with Thai Bistro (and above all other Thai I’ve had anywhere). The Pad Thai made our day–it was so delicious, with the perfect balance of spice, sweetness, and tang. Service was great, prices were reasonable, and the interior was actually very nice and cozy. You wouldn’t believe how happy it made us to know that we have finally found “our Thai place” in our new home. It seems trivial, but Thai was such a big thing for us, so it actually does make it feel more like home. Can’t wait to go back!

I think the idea of “free writing” the whole thing was just unsustainable. I found myself drawing out meaningless build-up, trying to stall before I actually had to commit to a plot direction. This, of course, makes for a very boring story. Obviously, the nanowrimo philosophy is that that’s okay. The idea is not to write something brilliant, but just to keep writing. I get that, but it’s just hard to stay motivated when your story is going nowhere and you don’t even have a single element to inspire you.

I’m still glad I gave it a shot, I guess. I mean, in my 5,000 words of free-writing, I had a few clever moments where I kind of impressed myself. I think the concept of forcing oneself to write regardless of quality is a good one, because it does generate little bits of unexpected genius. But I do think that overall one still needs some idea of where one is going, otherwise things end up too jumbled and there just isn’t any impetus to continue.

Over the last couple days, after two weeks passed without me touching the thing, I have actually been tossing around a new idea for my story. It just popped into my mind out of the blue. But to go anywhere with that idea will require overhauling most of what I’ve already written and changing a lot (it involves changing the whole thing to a young adult work). I think I might give it a shot. Maybe I’ll let the idea continue to ruminate some more.

So, anyway, it wasn’t a TOTAL loss.

To stay on par with the 50,000 word goal, you need to log at least 1,667 words each day. I have fulfilled the quotas for days one and two with 3,444 words.

Yesterday was day three, and I didn’t write a thing. I didn’t even open the document.

So now I need to write at least 3,334 words today in order to be caught up. We all know the important thing here is not to fall too far behind because once that happens I’m done for. I still very much doubt the likelihood of making it to 50,000 words. Privately I am expecting myself to bottom out at around 10,000.

Honestly, I’m surprised that I have written as much as I have. I still have only the vaguest idea where I am taking this thing. Actually, I have only the vaguest idea of a few small details. In terms of the larger picture, I haven’t a clue. Everything I’ve written so far has been completely improvised.

This does not make for a great novel, but I have to admit that I’ve been pleasantly surprised by some of the ideas that have randomly popped into my head in the course of writing. Not because they are particularly good ideas (and, I’m certain, have not been well executed either), but just because I actually feel creative for the first time in a long while. Okay, I feel silly even saying that I’m creative because some of these ideas are rather trite. But still. What I mean is that one moment I have no idea what I could possibly write next. But I force myself to keep writing, and within 10 minutes I’m writing something that I wouldn’t have even considered 10 minutes earlier. It’s cool.

Nonetheless, I do feel like most of what I’ve written so far has been crap. I guess in spite of that I’m still glad I wrote it.

National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo) will soon be upon us. In case anyone hasn’t heard of it, the nanowrimo concept is about forcing yourself to write a novel (or actually 50,000 words, so a good chunk of a novel) in the month of November. The idea is that you just force yourself to write, write, write under this crazy deadline. You don’t worry about style or editing, you just have at it with abandon in hopes of sparking some sort of flow of creative energy.

I love this idea, in theory. In reality, I’m not so sure. My old friend Peter has been ever so kindly needling me about nanowrimo for years (he’s an old pro at it, check out his blog for more information/insight). Sometime in the last month or so, without the obvious usual excuse that I’m too busy, I grudgingly caved to his persistence and said I’d do it. I created an account on the nanowrimo site and started mentioning it in passing to people.

Well, we’re now about a day and a half away from November. I have no ideas. No plot. No characters. Nothing that can inspire me in such a crazy mission. I’ve been racking my brain but there’s. just. nothing. there. I don’t know why. I read like crazy so I should have plenty of inspiration. I think I’m still inhibited by that mental block–my fear of writing something stupid. Maybe subconsciously I’m so scared of it that I’m not even letting myself come up with ideas.

I’m not sure what to do because (ahem!) Peter will never let me live it down if I back out. I suppose I can treat it like a really insane experiment and just sort of free-write the whole thing. But with no planning I’m pretty sure I will write myself into a dead-end within the first three days. If I start this thing I will feel like a total loser not finishing, or giving up early on. But I will probably feel equally lame if I don’t even try.

So, what will happen? Will she fail? Will she even try? Stay tuned for the saga of nanowrimo (assuming I ever get around to posting again). . .